I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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