I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
