ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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