rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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