Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
