I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
