I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
