we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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