Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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