last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
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In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
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people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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