i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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