Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
