he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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