Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
