Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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