Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
