The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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