sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
