He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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