I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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