Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
