I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
