Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Say something about gay babies.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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