After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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