i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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