I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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