"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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