I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
