Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
