why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
