The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
