I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
