if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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