you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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