Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
