I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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