Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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