shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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