mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
