i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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