Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
