We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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