That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
