i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
