my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
