also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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