i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
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He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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