Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
