the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
