the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
