My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize