I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
