There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
