The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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