He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
