he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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