just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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