I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
