i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
