He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sober January is a disaster.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
