he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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