Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
40s are totally the cure
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
