My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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